Deconstructing Fort Benjamin

There is a truth about myself that I have worked hard to avoid. I am a very sensitive and emotional person. I get my feelings hurt easily and can take things personally. I've built walls to protect myself from this extreme sensitivity.

The way I handled this was to pretend that it didn't exist. When my feelings would get hurt, I'd just bury it. I thought that ignoring it was letting it go. I was wrong. Pretending these feelings didn't exist lead to me holding on to hurts and grudges. It caused me to beat myself up over wrong feelings that I shouldn't be having. I would go to great extents to protect everyone else's feelings at the expense of my own and the truth.

Then the Lord showed up.

I listened to a podcast with Perry Noble and Steve Furtick about protecting your emotional health. They said something along the lines of not allowing people who don't have a voice in the decisions you make to influence the way you feel. Jim Wideman gave us a Real Colors personality assessment. I'm a blue . Blues are peacemakers that have a tendency to sacrifice truth in order to keep everyone happy.

It seemed that every time I read the Bible, verses about being bold in speaking the truth would jump out at me. God was trying to get my attention. If I am to become who He wants me to be I have to deal with this issue of my emotional health. I need to learn to not shy away from the things He shows me to speak about. For this to happen, I couldn't pretend I didn't have these feelings anymore. Instead, I needed to face my feelings and respond in a healthy way.

The first step was being honest with myself. If I was feeling insecure about something, I said so. If I was nervous about something, I admitted it. If my feelings were hurt, I didn't pretend they weren't.

The second step was opening up to others how I really felt. I began to speak feelings, concerns, hurts, and fears in conversations. I'm trying not to avoid uncomfortable conversations I think will hurt people's feelings. Instead I'm trying to have those talks while still considering others' feelings. This has been really difficult for me, but I carry on because I see how fruitful speaking the truth in love can be. Love is the key.

The third step has been the hard part I didn't see coming. The battle has been to take those thoughts and to process them in a way so they don't become footholds for the enemy. A foothold is faulty thinking. I've had a lot of footholds. I've had to fight the last two weeks to not let outside circumstances be used to beat myself up or to hold grudges against others. It's been a war that is emotionally exhausting. But if I continue to interpret circumstances with my insecurity, I'll never be able to speak the truth in love.

I've never felt so raw, vulnerable, and exposed in my life. It's terrifying and liberating at the same time. I know the fear is my old self dying. The freedom is the birth of the new me that the Lord is bringing out.

So I carry on. Weary from the battle. Excited for the victory.

Sprout

He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. (John 15:2 NLT)

A couple weeks ago I wrote a post about how The Lord was leading me through a season of pruning. The purpose of the pruning is so that "the branches that do bear fruit...will produce even more."(John 15:2 NLT)

This has not been a fun or comfortable process.  Sometimes the branches that get clipped are ones we are really attached to.  I've had to make a personally painful decision on something I've put a lot of time and energy into. Even though I see tremendous benefits in the long run it still hurts.

But it's not about me. It's about Him and building His kingdom.

At our apartment in Vero Beach Florida we planted a bush that grew deep purple flowers. Over time the bush grew until it exceeded the size we wanted it to be. On a visit my mother cut down the plant within a few inches of the ground. She promised that it would grow back and eventually would need to be trimmed again. While the the tall green leaves grew back over time, those purple flowers never returned.



One of the fears of going through the pruning process is that some of what is cut off gets thrown into the fire never to return. Even though we may like some of those branches, they might be holding us back from what we are to become.

It feels like there has been a lot of cutting going on. Until today there hasn't been much sign if life. Until today. A sprout has appeared. A bud of hope showing that what John 15:2 says will really come about. Fruitfulness.

While there has been comfort in the thought of what the end of this process will look like, it's encouraging to see some beginning signs of life. To hear things you have been speaking to others start to come out of their own mouths. Replication. Growth.

It's overwhelming to see how far there is still to travel in this journey. But those signs of life induce hope and motivation to carry on. 

Keep an eye out for those sprouts. 

This time the dove returned to him in the evening with a fresh olive leaf in its beak. Then Noah knew that the floodwaters were almost gone. (Genesis 8:11 NLT)

Pruning

A couple of weeks ago we had a Sunday night service at church with evangelist Gayle Brostowski. It was the first time I've been able to be in an entire service for a while. I was really looking forward to it, Gayle is an awesome preacher.

A note about Gayle. She has a type of bone cancer and seems to be constantly getting see-saw like reports from the doctors. One time it's encouraging others it's less. But her faith and commitment to the gospel remains strong despite this exhausting battle her body rages. She continues to be an inspiration to myself and countless others. 

During that service I felt The Lord speak to my heart. He told me that I was entering a season of pruning. I immediately went to John 15:2 where Jesus says, "He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. (John 15:2 NLT)" Not the most encouraging of scriptures at first glance. 

The Lord gave me a heads up on the process He was leading me through. He gave me a viewpoint to look at the next couple of personally trying weeks from. Yes they have been difficult. Yes they have been emotionally and physically exhausting. But the purpose is to reshape me so I can me more effective at this incredible calling He has for my life. 

I've been rejected and ignored. But realized I was looking to the wrong source for approval (2 Corinthians 10:18). I've opened up and been more vulnerable than I have in years. But in doing so more of the heart Christ has given me has been brought to the service. 

I have no clue where I am in this pruning season. I have a feeling it's still at the beginning. But I know, without a shadow of doubt, that the purpose is to be more like Him, so I can do more for Him. 

It's funny how we expect the will of God to be filled with warm fuzzies. That's not always the case, just ask Gayle. But there is a peace. A peace in knowing that there is a purpose to this all. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11 NLT)

For a while now I've been in Jim Wideman's children's ministry leadership program called Infuse.  It's a six month program with about 20 other kids pastors from all over.  I feel like I've grown and learned a ton of things from it.  One of the things that has really helped me is the two different personality profile tests we have done (PEP and Real Colors). 

I have struggled with self-esteem for my whole life.  My natural inclination is to view anything that happens in a negative light that I probably caused.  Even when good things happen I ignore what was done well and beat myself up over the things that can be improved upon. 

In ministry for example I would get frustrated by my lack of organization and attention to details.  Two things that are really important are things I have to work really hard at.  I would see others who are super detailed and organized and I would be amazed at how easily and natural that came for them.  Then I would beat myself up and tell myself that I was just lazy, not good enough and I should just give up. 

The insight of these two personality tests have given me a new lens to see myself through. Now I no longer see the way I'm wired as a negative, but a reality.  Now I can look at my weakness AND my strengths, see where I am and see where I want to be.  Yes I may be weak in organization and details but I have strengths in compassion and vision. 

Now I feel like I have direction.  While I work on harnessing my strengths to help get us where I feel we should go I'm also paying more attention to the weakness and working on increasing my capability there. 

I want to encourage anyone that might feel the same way that I did to not beat yourselves up anymore.  Identify your strengths and your weaknesses.  Realize that is the way you are wired and work on exploiting those strengths and building up those weaknesses.  Surround yourself with people who are strong in the areas you are weak so you can learn from them.